i sit and write.
about the woman forced into prostitution.
the kashmiri pundits who lost their homes.
the activist who was stoned to death.
the playwright who is not anti-dalit.
the filmmaker who was not selling india.
the filmmaker who is selling spain and is proud.
i have written well. i have greater plans for tomorrow. i could have called it a day.
instead i make myself a drink and let in my demon lover of yore who has been wanting to "catch up" for a while.
the inevitable happens. he catches up.
why. why. why.
can i not be satisfied living lives of others behind the insurance cover of my laptop screen.
why must i have my own?
Thursday, September 13, 2007
THE REAL HELPLINE
...none knows so well as i.
and then there is another scenario. you live in mumbai. you have reached a point where your perfect life is threatening to make no sense. and you want a hasty exit. you have often made do with leaving the city for a day or two but now the city follows you everywhere. it screams in your ears when ure alone in the hills or in ure once upon a time quaint hometown. you want to see if it will help to leave the physical body and draw your kitchen knife out of the cockroached drawer. then you remember the drinking session youre supposed to have in mondegar later and wonder if you should let ure childhood friend know you wont make it atleast not in ure own body..because time is real money and you shouldnt waste your best friends money just coz u have to leave now. the thought of this friend melts your heart. you suddenly want to do more than call off the programme. you want him/her to talk you out of this or comfort you into it perhaps. you dial the number and it rings out. 5 times. you call the other childhood friend. the cellphone is unavailable. you call another not so close friend. his phone is available but he is doing his final edit and just cannot talk. you call the other not so close friend. she answers and is available bt not emotionally. she has a screen test this evening and must get the part. you tell her youre upset. she perfunctorily asks whats wrong. you suddenly feel like you must say something really big is wrong for taking so much of her time and ruining her optimism for the day. but you dont know if your the last straw that is currently breaking your back is big enough and the rest of the pile you cannot exactly unravel so you say nothing much make some polite coversation and hang up. you call up your parents. they must understand they should. but you hear the hello and the gap stares you in the face stronger than your will to end it all. there is nothing to say. the first childhood friend whose phone rang ot 5 times calls from a bad reception area. by the time he has heard you right you begin to have doubts. he sounds awefully preoccupied. he has a 5 pm deadline and a new editor. you ask yourself are you sure you will really do it this time coz otherwise you should really not call this guy over from town. he will give up on you and the day you really do want to do it he wont turn up. the answer is clear from within. today is the day. you have to go today. you tell him that but its too late. the last 3 times you had threatened but stayed back have taken their toll. he wont come. he wont even worry. he will just say hmm and sigh once or twice. add take care. he is writing a piece on dalit woes. they have overwhelmed his emotional space. he hangs up.
look. youre still sitting right beside your body. go back in. youre too tired. you spotjogged.
deliver the knife back to the bugs. you have no more use for it. you have died enough for a day.
and then there is another scenario. you live in mumbai. you have reached a point where your perfect life is threatening to make no sense. and you want a hasty exit. you have often made do with leaving the city for a day or two but now the city follows you everywhere. it screams in your ears when ure alone in the hills or in ure once upon a time quaint hometown. you want to see if it will help to leave the physical body and draw your kitchen knife out of the cockroached drawer. then you remember the drinking session youre supposed to have in mondegar later and wonder if you should let ure childhood friend know you wont make it atleast not in ure own body..because time is real money and you shouldnt waste your best friends money just coz u have to leave now. the thought of this friend melts your heart. you suddenly want to do more than call off the programme. you want him/her to talk you out of this or comfort you into it perhaps. you dial the number and it rings out. 5 times. you call the other childhood friend. the cellphone is unavailable. you call another not so close friend. his phone is available but he is doing his final edit and just cannot talk. you call the other not so close friend. she answers and is available bt not emotionally. she has a screen test this evening and must get the part. you tell her youre upset. she perfunctorily asks whats wrong. you suddenly feel like you must say something really big is wrong for taking so much of her time and ruining her optimism for the day. but you dont know if your the last straw that is currently breaking your back is big enough and the rest of the pile you cannot exactly unravel so you say nothing much make some polite coversation and hang up. you call up your parents. they must understand they should. but you hear the hello and the gap stares you in the face stronger than your will to end it all. there is nothing to say. the first childhood friend whose phone rang ot 5 times calls from a bad reception area. by the time he has heard you right you begin to have doubts. he sounds awefully preoccupied. he has a 5 pm deadline and a new editor. you ask yourself are you sure you will really do it this time coz otherwise you should really not call this guy over from town. he will give up on you and the day you really do want to do it he wont turn up. the answer is clear from within. today is the day. you have to go today. you tell him that but its too late. the last 3 times you had threatened but stayed back have taken their toll. he wont come. he wont even worry. he will just say hmm and sigh once or twice. add take care. he is writing a piece on dalit woes. they have overwhelmed his emotional space. he hangs up.
look. youre still sitting right beside your body. go back in. youre too tired. you spotjogged.
deliver the knife back to the bugs. you have no more use for it. you have died enough for a day.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
HELP LINED...
HELP LINED…
And all the woe that moved him so
That he gave that bitter cry,
And the wild regrets, and the bloody sweats,
None knew so well as I:
For he who lives more lives than one
More deaths than one must die.
- From The Ballad Of Reading Gaol by Oscar Wilde.
Mumbai (or Mumbai’s media) has been continually registering an alarming increase in suicides. The best thing for a potential suicide victim to do at the nth second, they say, is call a helpline. Some months ago, when this disturbing trend was pointed out by experts, I was asked to write an article on the same. What better place to look for real life case studies, than the helplines, I thought. On getting a few bizarre reactions as journalist, I decided to call up them up as a suicide victim instead, thinking this would incur more kindness.
After trying endless numbers listed online and hearing a "This number does not exist" or "Please check the number you have dialed" one gets through to the Good Samaritans. The conversation goes thus:
Caller (C): Hello, Samaritans?
Operator (O): Haan bolo?
C: I want to commit suicide.
O: Saab nahin hai. Baad mein.
C: Arre, lekin mujhein abhi karna hai. Kisise baat kar sakta hoon?
O: Paanch baje ke baad.
C: Lekin, kya ye khudkushi ka helpline nahin hai?
O: Nahin ye clinic hai.
C: Aur helpline?
O: Kya?
C: Agar suicide karna hai aur kisi se baat karna hai to?
O: Baad mein karo baad mein...
One then tries the Just Dial Services for a suicide counselor, or helpline that’ll work:
C: I want the number of suicide helplines.
O: I'm sorry sir?
C: Suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want a helpline to talk to so that they'll counsel me.
O: What kind of business are they into sir?
C: No business! Dude, suicide! You know, whom do I call if I want to commit suicide and need to talk to someone?
O: If you like I can give you the name of some counsellors sir.
C: Suicide counsellors?
O: Yes sir suicide counsellors and helplines. You’ll be receiving an instant sms for this information, and an instant email for the same.
On calling these numbers too, the first few ring out, then a few don't connect. Finally:
C: Hello, is this a suicide helpline?
O: Kya?
C: Aatma hatya, khudkushi, suicide karna hai... to yahaan pe baat kar sakte hain?
O: Humein samajh mein nahin aa raaha hai aap kya keh rahe hain... ek minute...
(Sound of things being shifted around)
O: Yes please?
C: Hi. Is this a suicide helpline?
O: No, sir. This is a diagnostic centre.
Another call:
C: Hello, is this a suicide helpline?
O: I'm sorry?
C: If I want to commit suicide and I need counseling, can you help me?
O: Tell me?
C: You'll counsel me for suicide???
O: Yes, sure. One minute... say?
C: See, I want to commit suicide... and...
O:
C: Umm, I'm in
O: Oh! Sorry, we only provide counseling for the
C: What?
O: Further studies? You want counseling on further studies in the
C: No I want to commit suicide!
O: Oh! You don't want to study further at all?
C: Well, I guess not!
O: I'm sorry, we only provide counseling for further studies to the
One notices other numbers, sent through the Just Dial messages and email, listed under 'Training'. One presumes a suicide helpline wouldn't advertise itself such. So one calls Just Dial again:
C: I just called here and asked for suicide helplines. I didn't get suicide helplines. I got trainers, career counselors... ring outs… dead ends...
O: Suicide helplines. What kind of business are they into sir?
C: They're NGOs probably man...
O: One minute sir, you're looking for suicide counselors? You’ll be receiving an instant sms for this information, and an instant email for the same.
C: But I've gotten your email. You're numbers are wrong! I want to commit suicide and have no one to talk to!!!
O: Just a minute sir. What business did you say they were into?
C: Forget it.
O: Sir, please could I inform you about our special offer today?
C: Huh?
O: Only for today special, we have an offer. Registration on Just Dial is totally free.
C: Dude, I want to commit suicide. Why would I want to be registered on Just Dial?
O: It's totally free sir. Only for today. Offer ends tommorrow.
C: SUICIDE! BOSS, IF I DIE WHY WILL A FREE OFFER MATTER?
O: Then you’ll have to tell me what business they’re into sir…
What's narrated so far is fact. Let’s imagine that the following conversation took place:
C: I'm into suicide. Could you list that?
O: Suicide sir? What this means exactly sir?
C: It's a business by which we manage suicides for a living. Please take the number down.
O: Okay, sir, one minute. Yes sir, we’re listing you as ‘suicide management’. What is the location of your office sir?
C: Just take down the number
O: Okay sir...
Imagine further:
C: I want the numbers of suicide helplines.
O: Sure sir, one minute. Yes sir one has just recently been listed with us. Would you like the number sir? You’ll be receiving an instant sms for this information, and an instant email for the same.
A new article:
Mumbai (or Mumbai’s media) has been continually registering an alarming increase in suicides…
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