THE REAL HELPLINE

...none knows so well as i.

and then there is another scenario. you live in mumbai. you have reached a point where your perfect life is threatening to make no sense. and you want a hasty exit. you have often made do with leaving the city for a day or two but now the city follows you everywhere. it screams in your ears when ure alone in the hills or in ure once upon a time quaint hometown. you want to see if it will help to leave the physical body and draw your kitchen knife out of the cockroached drawer. then you remember the drinking session youre supposed to have in mondegar later and wonder if you should let ure childhood friend know you wont make it atleast not in ure own body..because time is real money and you shouldnt waste your best friends money just coz u have to leave now. the thought of this friend melts your heart. you suddenly want to do more than call off the programme. you want him/her to talk you out of this or comfort you into it perhaps. you dial the number and it rings out. 5 times. you call the other childhood friend. the cellphone is unavailable. you call another not so close friend. his phone is available but he is doing his final edit and just cannot talk. you call the other not so close friend. she answers and is available bt not emotionally. she has a screen test this evening and must get the part. you tell her youre upset. she perfunctorily asks whats wrong. you suddenly feel like you must say something really big is wrong for taking so much of her time and ruining her optimism for the day. but you dont know if your the last straw that is currently breaking your back is big enough and the rest of the pile you cannot exactly unravel so you say nothing much make some polite coversation and hang up. you call up your parents. they must understand they should. but you hear the hello and the gap stares you in the face stronger than your will to end it all. there is nothing to say. the first childhood friend whose phone rang ot 5 times calls from a bad reception area. by the time he has heard you right you begin to have doubts. he sounds awefully preoccupied. he has a 5 pm deadline and a new editor. you ask yourself are you sure you will really do it this time coz otherwise you should really not call this guy over from town. he will give up on you and the day you really do want to do it he wont turn up. the answer is clear from within. today is the day. you have to go today. you tell him that but its too late. the last 3 times you had threatened but stayed back have taken their toll. he wont come. he wont even worry. he will just say hmm and sigh once or twice. add take care. he is writing a piece on dalit woes. they have overwhelmed his emotional space. he hangs up.
look. youre still sitting right beside your body. go back in. youre too tired. you spotjogged.
deliver the knife back to the bugs. you have no more use for it. you have died enough for a day.