HELP LINED...

HELP LINED…

And all the woe that moved him so
That he gave that bitter cry,
And the wild regrets, and the bloody sweats,
None knew so well as I:
For he who lives more lives than one
More deaths than one must die.

- From The Ballad Of Reading Gaol by Oscar Wilde.

Mumbai (or Mumbai’s media) has been continually registering an alarming increase in suicides. The best thing for a potential suicide victim to do at the nth second, they say, is call a helpline. Some months ago, when this disturbing trend was pointed out by experts, I was asked to write an article on the same. What better place to look for real life case studies, than the helplines, I thought. On getting a few bizarre reactions as journalist, I decided to call up them up as a suicide victim instead, thinking this would incur more kindness.

After trying endless numbers listed online and hearing a "This number does not exist" or "Please check the number you have dialed" one gets through to the Good Samaritans. The conversation goes thus:

Caller (C): Hello, Samaritans?
Operator (O): Haan bolo?
C: I want to commit suicide.
O: Saab nahin hai. Baad mein.
C: Arre, lekin mujhein abhi karna hai. Kisise baat kar sakta hoon?
O: Paanch baje ke baad.
C: Lekin, kya ye khudkushi ka helpline nahin hai?
O: Nahin ye clinic hai.
C: Aur helpline?
O: Kya?
C: Agar suicide karna hai aur kisi se baat karna hai to?
O: Baad mein karo baad mein...

One then tries the Just Dial Services for a suicide counselor, or helpline that’ll work:
C: I want the number of suicide helplines.
O: I'm sorry sir?
C: Suicide. I want to commit suicide. I want a helpline to talk to so that they'll counsel me.
O: What kind of business are they into sir?
C: No business! Dude, suicide! You know, whom do I call if I want to commit suicide and need to talk to someone?
O: If you like I can give you the name of some counsellors sir.
C: Suicide counsellors?
O: Yes sir suicide counsellors and helplines. You’ll be receiving an instant sms for this information, and an instant email for the same.

On calling these numbers too, the first few ring out, then a few don't connect. Finally:
C: Hello, is this a suicide helpline?
O: Kya?
C: Aatma hatya, khudkushi, suicide karna hai... to yahaan pe baat kar sakte hain?
O: Humein samajh mein nahin aa raaha hai aap kya keh rahe hain... ek minute...
(Sound of things being shifted around)
O: Yes please?
C: Hi. Is this a suicide helpline?
O: No, sir. This is a diagnostic centre.

Another call:
C: Hello, is this a suicide helpline?
O: I'm sorry?
C: If I want to commit suicide and I need counseling, can you help me?
O: Tell me?
C: You'll counsel me for suicide???
O: Yes, sure. One minute... say?
C: See, I want to commit suicide... and...
O: UK or US?
C: Umm, I'm in India. Mumbai, just like you! I want to commit suicide in Mumbai!
O: Oh! Sorry, we only provide counseling for the UK and US.
C: What?
O: Further studies? You want counseling on further studies in the UK or the US?
C: No I want to commit suicide!
O: Oh! You don't want to study further at all?
C: Well, I guess not!
O: I'm sorry, we only provide counseling for further studies to the UK and US.

One notices other numbers, sent through the Just Dial messages and email, listed under 'Training'. One presumes a suicide helpline wouldn't advertise itself such. So one calls Just Dial again:
C: I just called here and asked for suicide helplines. I didn't get suicide helplines. I got trainers, career counselors... ring outs… dead ends...
O: Suicide helplines. What kind of business are they into sir?
C: They're NGOs probably man...
O: One minute sir, you're looking for suicide counselors? You’ll be receiving an instant sms for this information, and an instant email for the same.
C: But I've gotten your email. You're numbers are wrong! I want to commit suicide and have no one to talk to!!!
O: Just a minute sir. What business did you say they were into?
C: Forget it.
O: Sir, please could I inform you about our special offer today?
C: Huh?
O: Only for today special, we have an offer. Registration on Just Dial is totally free.
C: Dude, I want to commit suicide. Why would I want to be registered on Just Dial?
O: It's totally free sir. Only for today. Offer ends tommorrow.
C: SUICIDE! BOSS, IF I DIE WHY WILL A FREE OFFER MATTER?
O: Then you’ll have to tell me what business they’re into sir…

What's narrated so far is fact. Let’s imagine that the following conversation took place:
C: I'm into suicide. Could you list that?
O: Suicide sir? What this means exactly sir?
C: It's a business by which we manage suicides for a living. Please take the number down.
O: Okay, sir, one minute. Yes sir, we’re listing you as ‘suicide management’. What is the location of your office sir?
C: Just take down the number
O: Okay sir...

Imagine further:
C: I want the numbers of suicide helplines.
O: Sure sir, one minute. Yes sir one has just recently been listed with us. Would you like the number sir? You’ll be receiving an instant sms for this information, and an instant email for the same.

A new article:

Mumbai (or Mumbai’s media) has been continually registering an alarming increase in suicides…